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*** I wrote this back in high school. I was having a hard time paying attention in class. It just fit someone I knew. She read it once and grabbed my hand. No words were needed for me to know that's exactly how she felt. It was my way of getting her to know I understand. ***

During high school I met alot of girls who self-harmed. Cut mostly. There was this one girl in my senior survival class that sat behind me. She was quite. Always hid behind her hoodie and baggy jeans. She was a pretty girl. First day of class I came in late and she was sitting all the way towards the back. There weren't may seats left. The one in front of her and one in the front of the class. The only logical choice was the seat in front of her. It became my seat. The one in front of the 'weird girl'. We didn't really talk. She seemed to have her own thing going on. I was dealing with my things. We both preferred to work alone. I didn't know her. The kids seemed to joke on her more than anyone. She never replied. I didn't know why and I was too wrapped up in myslef to care.

Until one day I had to pass the handout back to her. Usually she would grab the handouts still clutching the sleeve of her hoodie. This time I guess she forgot. Cause when she reached out to grab the handout her sleeve pulled back, reveling her wrist. When I say it was all kinds of cut up I mean it. They weren't simple, little cuts. They were jagged, red, big ones, smaller ones. Her wrist was SO red. I didn't know what to say. She freaked though. Quickly she grabbed her bag from the floor and was out the door. Everyone looked around while I just got back to my work. I had no clue what to do. Or what to say to her the next time. I didn't even know if I should even mention it or play it off like I didn't see anything. The next day I skipped class.

The next time I saw her in class she put her head down as soon as she saw me outside. Once class started I figure I shouldn't say anything. She was already embarrassed. It wasn't my place. Later on in the period one of the boys in the class started making jokes about her. When I looked back at her to see if she was going to say anything. I saw her clawing at the cuts on her wrist. Not only her wrist but all the way up her arm. I couldn't believe how many there were. Or how bad it looked. Some looked raw. They were new.

The boy kept on going with his corny ass jokes. Finally I had enough. The class knew I wasn't one to stay quiet so when I cursed him out they weren't shocked. More like surprised I was defending her. I couldn't change her situation. Or take away her pain. I didn't know what was going on in her life. I couldn't help her in anyway. But this was one place I could help her. I couldn't sit there while they talked shit about a person they knew nothing about. It made me sick. The kid stopped once he gave me some cheap shots. I could handle myself. His jokes were nothing as long as they were aimed towards me. Finally the boy gave up. She didn't say anything. Neither did I. That's when I wrote the quote above. We never said anything to each other for the rest of the year. But I kept defending her. And at the end of every class she would nod her head at me as we headed out the door. It all lasted until one day she stopped coming to school. I don't know what happened to her. I drove me crazy thinking about all the things that might have happened. To this day I don't know what happened.

I hope she's out there somewhere better off then she was 4 years ago. I hope she got help. That she got away from whatever it was that was causing her to cut. Whatever it was causing her pain. I just hope she's better. Stronger then she was then. I hope she's happy. I'd hate to think other wise. I guess you can say she's stuck with me ever since.

Some of the best people I've met have dealt with bullying. Most people have in some form. I was bullied and I've even bullied people. No bullying wasn't the answer. And I wish I'd known that back then but I didn't see that. I figured they bullied me so why couldn't I flip the script. Petty, right? I know that now. People bully and have been bullied. But does anyone ever think of the damage that's done. My dad use to tell us that 'sticks and stones may break your bone but words will never kill me". Sorry dad but you were so wrong. Words hurt the worst. You can cause only so much physical pain. People can heal from that. Words are nasty, and they linger way longer then imaginable.

Bullying isn't funny. The pain it causes is real and life threatening. No one should live that way but people do. Dammit do your part and speak up. Stand up against what you believe is wrong. Please don't stand there and watch it happen. You never know when someones had enough. When enough becomes too much for them.

2 comments

  1. I read this with tears in my eyes - I have lost and loved people through self harm and I can relate to you so much.
    This is so heartfelt and beautifully written, but i don't know whether to say sorry and thank you to you for being such an outspoken and brave person. I would have done the same thing as you, I have done the same as you.

    Much love,

    Lauren Nicole O'Hara

    https://lauren-ohara-x.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad to hear how much you enjoyed this post. It meant a lot to me to write cause it's something that stuck with me ever since. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again and I feel more people should. It's great to hear you have done something like this.

      Brittany x

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